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Have You Received Your Invitation?

Every year the Met has its Gala…well, move over, there’s a new party in town! Get your ball gowns and tuxes ready, because the new must-go-to soiree is the…drum roll, please: The Impeachment Gala!

Chaired by Nancy Pelosi and Jerry Nadler, this party will celebrate the upcoming impeachment of one Donald J. Trump, while raising funds for the DNC. It is the hottest ticket in DC, and even the Deep State will be in attendance, recognizable by their Illuminati pins on their lapels.

Since there’s no chance in Hell I will be there (and I’d rather run through a volcano in gasoline soaked clothing before attending), I’m going to let my imagination run wild thinking about what it’ll be like…

Nadler will be outfitted in a silk jacquard bespoke tuxedo from the Humpty Dumpty collection, with a neon blue cummerbund that can also be used as a table runner for Hanukkah dinners.

Nancy Pelosi went deep into her wardrobe to find the vintage Galanos she wore when she met JFK, but to her dismay, it no longer fit. So she went to her back up, a haute couture beaded gown that if you look closely, has tiny “Impeach Now” embroidered between the bugle beads. The gown is said to weigh 45 lbs, sparing us of seeing her move around too much. Her hands, however, will be waving with every word she says, ready to catch her dentures in case they go flying.

AOC will wear a gown made of repurposed materials she personally picked at the local dump, if the local dump is located in Neiman Marcus. Her nod to the Green Deal is wearing shoes made from recycled bicycle tires, custom made by Louboutin.

And let’s not forget Chuck “I’m not a tranny” Schumer’s wife: an off-the-rack, run of the mill evening dress from the Megan Rapinoe collection for women who hate to dress up. I don’t think anything further needs to be said…

Chuck Schumer will be accompanying his wife in his 30-year old tux from the After Six Miami Vice Collection (no joke; there really was one)

In honor of the occasion, Maxine Waters has ordered a new dynel wig from the James Brown Memorial Fake Hair Company. It will feature a French twist, spit curls on the sides, with high waves in the front, where she will embellish it with an “Impeach 45” Diamonique broach. It’s the perfect accessory to her hot pink and fuchsia satin gown, worn with orthopedic stilettos.

Last, but certainly not least, Frederica Wilson, has commissioned Philip Treacy of London to make her a teeny cowboy hat fascinator with embroidered rhinestone horseshoes to match the ones she’ll wear on her feet.

Rosie O’Donnell will act as Mistress of Ceremony, outfitted in a dress inspired by one of Hillary Clinton’s rug patterned coats. It can also be used as a tent for the overflow crowd, in case of inclement weather. The event will be held at the legendary and oh so appropriate Watergate Hotel.

I can’t wait to read about this train wreck on the Society Page of The National Enquirer

#Impeach #Gala #NancyPelosi #JerryNadler #MaxineWaters

Itty Bitty Titty Dried-Up Uterus Committee

The First Ladies of Perpetual Objection learned today the hysterectomies they underwent were actually a ruse to have their uteri shipped off in a box to the troops in Afghanistan. According to unnamed sources, the parcel was received by jubilant soldiers who were eager to unwrap them post haste, and employ them as piñatas for this week’s birthday celebrations.
Note to self:
I have to pull the gizzard out of tonight’s chicken.

Snow: A Four-Letter Word

We’re expecting our first flakes in a few days, news that was met with much eye rolling and muttering about shovels and ice melt. Snow is a funny thing – as a child, you love it. You play for hours outside, making snow forts, snow men, hills to slide down…and snowball fights! You haven’t had a good childhood until you got hit square in the kisser. (And no crying…you sucked it up and got the SOB back.)

But when you’re an adult, you look at snow differently. You have to clear it from your car, drive in it…suddenly it’s not as much fun. And work. Short of blizzard conditions that close public transportation or highways, you’re expected to be there. You might arrive late or have to leave early, but you’re expected to show up. It’s the downside of being a productive citizen.

And what’s up with people who race to the store, and stock up on enough groceries for two weeks at the first mention of the white stuff? I mean, short of the blizzard of the century, where you’re stuck for the aforementioned two weeks, you’ll be out and about in two or three days max. So why are you buying 4 loaves of bread, 3 gallons of milk, 3 lbs of bacon, and enough Kraft Macaroni and Cheese for an army?

Then there’s the holidays. We all used to love a snowy Christmas. I mean, it’s pretty, but if you have to go to a brunch, then drive over to your family’s later for dinner, then drive to friend’s for a cocktail party, it’s pretty exhausting, especially when all you want to do is go home, climb into flannels, and watch the Yule Log and eat sugar cookies.

But, on certain days, when it’s snowing gently and all is quiet, you can appreciate the beauty of the frozen stuff. Everything looks clean and bright…even though you know dropped leaves and dead foliage are under it. It’s mesmerizing, standing by the window, watching it dance and swirl around, so beautiful… until you realize you’re out of coffee, cigarettes, and cat food, and have to go out.

Let me get my coat…and scarf, gloves, hat, and boots…

 

#Snow #Christmas #YuleLog