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The Single Most Painful Thing Ever

Bathing suit shopping…words that strike terror in the hearts of women everywhere. Is there any one single thing that universally causes the 3S Syndrome: Shaking, Sweating, and Swearing? No…unless you wear a burka and bathing suits aren’t in your game plan, it’s a painful mission that requires a strong friend and alcohol.
When you’re in your teens and 20s, shopping for a new bathing suit was fun! You couldn’t wait to go and try dozens on, each cuter than the next…now, it’s a game of psychological torture. “Okay, this looks good from the front, let’s look at the back…OH DEAR GOD, NO!!” When did this happen? Where did those ripples on the back of my thighs come from? Is that a vein?? WTH, I look like an outdated Rand-McNally Road Atlas.”
No lie, when I was in my late 30s, I was forced to shop for a bathing suit. I had successfully avoided it, as I am so white, I’m one DNA helix away from being an albino. So going to lakes and the beach wasn’t something I did regularly. But we were going to Bermuda, and I needed a suit.
As I entered the changing room with fear and trepidation in my heart, I told myself “How bad could it be?”
It was bad. I literally gave a small shriek as I looked in the 3-way mirror…when? How? I tried on suit after suit, finally deciding on a benign blue one-piece. It was the best of the the lot, which isn’t saying much, plus the blue complimented the veins nicely. Then I realized I didn’t have to impress anyone, so why was I so worried?
Truth be told, I’d rather skinny dip now, as people usually look away, so I’m in the clear…until I have to get out of the pool.


  1. Avatar
    Trish T

    Aha…getting a good tan tends to hide some veins. We are not 20 any longer! I live at the beach as soon as the weather allows me. And the swimsuits are all different. Just smile…no one pays attention,remember we are not 20. Enjoy it love and laugh!

  2. Avatar

    Ahhh, the old days of just grabbing any old pair of Birdwell Beach Britches and throwing some Tiddies on your feet.

    PS: I knew better than to accompany the ladies on their kini’ shoppin’ spree/adventure.
    PS2: How come they mostly come back ‘half hammered’ as well? LOL

    Good read!

    • Modesty Fiona Blaise
      Modesty Fiona Blaise

      Ya need to have liquid courage to look in the mirror, and a couple of consolation drinks afterwards…bathing suit shopping is further proof God is a man.

  3. Avatar

    Fantastic, funny, and sympathetic.
    No, really!
    Even though I am a dude, in all the scratching, spitting, cussing glory that is American dude-dom, I sympathize.
    I was cute, for about 5 minutes, and then I grew into a body that looked like God Almighty put it together from spare parts on a day when He was recovering from a three century Celestial Bender. I was lucky I didn’t end up with an arm jutting proudly from my forehead…
    My go-to swimming attire? Cut the legs off of some jeans and wear that and a T-shirt. Sometimes wear some baggy trunks that someone would get me for my birthday (I SWEAR, Grandma, these are REALLY COOL!), and enjoy the high velocity enema that would happen every time I would come down to the end of the water slide and half of the entire pool would rush up the legs of my trunks.
    So, yeah; On top of the stuff most men DON’T have to deal with up to and including the ridiculous standards and societal pressure on females, we men aren’t all that thrilled with the prospect having to go to a beach or a pool and having to be judged standing next to the muscle-bound gimp in the Speedos.
    By the way: if there are any guys reading this who go to the local swimming hole to flex their muscles and prance around in the Speedo?
    Do all the rest of us guys a favor: drink bleach.

    • Modesty Fiona Blaise
      Modesty Fiona Blaise

      Coke. Sprayed. Everywhere.
      And FWIW, real women, women who aren’t shallow and vapid, don’t care for muscle bound guys in Speedos (aka “plum smugglers”) at all…they usually have to fight them for mirror time before going out.
      And shaddup…yer cute as hell, and mad as a Hatter. We lurve you.

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