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30 Years Of Marriage: Axiomatic Observations About Life With A Woman

Situation Report: The Dog and I are locked in the “Bunker”, also known as “My Office”. Outside the door, we can hear the heavy thud of angry footsteps as my wife walks through the house, mumbling under her breath. I can’t discern what she is saying: possibly reciting prayers, asking the good Lord to “give her strength”, possibly reminding herself that she could easily bury me under the back stairs and no one would ever know.

Mood: Grim. The Dog looks up at me and through the look in his eyes seems to say, “Dude! What did you do? I spend most of my day licking my own privates, but even I wouldn’t have done that!”

What can I say? I wanted food and something to drink. She had just mopped the kitchen.

“Don’t walk on my floor!”

Does she think she married Spiderman? Does she believe I have the power to hover? Are we in some sort of weird role-play where she is the put-upon housewife and I am some sort of Mission Impossible Secret Agent that has to dangle from the ceiling to get a sandwich and a beer? Did I just say all those things to her out loud???

Yes. Yes I did.

As far as I know, the kitchen is a part of the house that BOTH of us own.

I know. I’ve checked the deed. Both of our names are on it!

Don’t get me wrong; I love my wife with every fiber of my being. She is my soulmate, and I am the luckiest man alive to have found her. However, the Dog and I are VERY hungry, our supply lines have apparently been cut off, and our reserves are dwindling rapidly.

Before I married my wife, I knew NOTHING about women. Now, thirty years later, I know NOTHING about women, but I have learned a few things about living with one of these brilliant and mystifying creatures:

Behind every angry woman stands a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.

Been there, done that. Then, I went there several more times because apparently, I never learn.

Every time I talk to my wife, I have to remember that “This conversation will be recorded for training and quality purposes”.

Some things are better left unsaid, and I usually remember that right after I said them.

There is no point in my trying to understand women. Women understand women and most of the time, they hate each other.

Arguing with my wife is like reading the Software License Agreement: in the end you have to ignore everything and click “I Agree”.

Angry women can see into the future. They can remember stuff that hasn’t happened yet. Also, angry women can see into parallel universes: they can remember things that never happened in this universe.

Women always have the last word in an argument. Anything that a man adds after that is the beginning of a new argument.

A man is forced to be decisive. Right or wrong, you have to make a decision because life is paved with flat squirrels who couldn’t make a decision, and she will always answer, “I don’t know, whatever you want, honey.” Every. Single. Time.

Whenever my wife says “First of all” during an argument, I flee, because she has prepared research, charts, data, and is fully able to use all of it to destroy me.

A wise man once said: nothing.

That’s it. That is the totality of my knowledge regarding the female sex.

Always remember and never forget: Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.

4 Comments

  1. Avatar
    Gemstone

    Dear Friend,
    I bet you know more than you realize. You must have learned something, or you wouldn’t still be married.
    I do wonder though, has anyone ever shared with you the concept of the “Woman Filter”?
    Imagine everything you say, passing through a filter that takes your words and changes their meaning. By the time it reaches her ears, she hears something different.
    Now I know what you’re thinking: “How is this my problem?” Well buddy, if you married her, you’d better believe it’s your problem.
    Why? Because she doesn’t do it on purpose. She can’t help it. The woman filter is REAL. Women and men actually see the world and interpret it differently.
    If you want peace (especially for yourself), you will learn how to adapt with the TRANSLATOR for the woman filter.
    If you had any idea how your words were being heard, you would most likely feel terrible (assuming you love her).
    Now, I can’t possibly give you every translation possibility, but just having an awareness of the concept can be helpful.
    With that being said, here are a few universal truths:
    If you ask her: “Is everything ok?”
    and she says: “I’m Ok”. It means she’s not “Ok”, but she isn’t ready to talk about it.
    If she says: “I don’t know”. It means something is wrong, and she is ready to talk about it,
    (but she wants you to coax it out of her).
    If she says: “I’m fine” It means she is pretty pissed off, and you’re probably in big
    trouble. You might want to back off, until she down until she cools off to one
    of the lower levels.

    Here is one more important example:
    You see your wife every day. You think she’s attractive, otherwise you wouldn’t have married her. You see her when she wakes up, when she gets home from work, when she goes to sleep at night. She always looks fine to you.
    Let’s just say you are getting ready to go out for a date. You may not realize it, but she may have taken some extra time to get ready, because she wanted to look nice for you. You think she looks nice, but to you, she always looks nice.
    You don’t say anything to compliment her appearance.
    She is pissed off the rest of the night. You have no idea why.
    Here is what is going through her head: I am invisible to him. Why do I even bother? I might as well be a dirty old chair in the corner. I could smear crap on my face, and he wouldn’t even notice. I think this happens, and the issue never gets resolved. It happens again and again as a pattern of behavior. Every time, she remembers. Every time, he doesn’t.
    These are very dangerous feelings for a wife to have, by the way. If they go on for too long, they lead to bitterness. Bitterness leads to divorce. Many men end up shocked when they find out how much their wives hate them. They had no idea.
    All he had to do was notice. If he had any idea how much he was hurting her, he would have felt terrible.
    I personally think that women have some responsibility help men with this. Women need to understand the way men process as well. They DO NOT see the world like women do.
    I is very helpful if the woman explains to her man (when she is calm), “Do you realize when you say that, this is how I interpret it?”
    Men and women need to love each other enough to talk these things out. They have to be fair to each other.
    There is so much joy to be had, if we could get over our communication breakdown.

  2. Avatar
    Hanoch

    Psyko- I’d say we are two of a kind. Been married 30 years also. And it’s getting harder, not easier, lol.

    It’s those looks , that say way to much. And she never speaks.

  3. Avatar
    squeakie

    We tend to loose consideration for each other when we stop being a couple and return to individuals. Being married to complacency rather than each other can be a toll for some. Men may celebrate comfort in silence, while women could be mourning the end to intimacy.

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