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College Hell

It’s May, and we all know what that means – college graduations. That day when your pride and joy graduates and is ready to face the world as an adult. Or so you hope.

For me, it’s Christmas, Memorial Day, and the 4th of July rolled into one because it means I’m finally rid of those damn college kids until late August. I live in the Bermuda Triangle of College Hell. I have a large university a mile up the road and two smaller ones less that 2 miles from me…and thousands of those kids. The ones who park like Stevie Wonder at the supermarket, who throw beer cans on my lawn when they are being chased by the police, the ones who have a fit when they discover there’s no Taco Bell in my township. Add the local military academy and it’s the seventh ring of Dante’s Inferno.

Yes, those damn kids.

The funny thing is the girls are the worst…they travel in packs of three or more and are oblivious to everything around them. But the supermarket drives me to distraction. The concept that aisles are two “lanes” escapes them. They park their cart in the middle of the aisle while reading the nutritional content of every single thing like it’s the Oracles. “Oh no, this has 130 calories per serving, this has 6 grams of sugar, this has 15 grams of sodium…” and the one whining about this looks like she hasn’t had a good meal since kindergarten. And she’s carrying a Louis Vuitton purse, with Uggs and Daisy Dukes. I find myself fighting the urge to smack them…instead I restrain myself and break out the laser glare and a frosty “pick a side, ladies”
Anyway, graduation is coming up…they’re staggered so my little town isn’t completely overrun with distracted parents driving like they’re on a mushroom bender with a tequila chaser. So bear with me, folks, if I’m a little cranky the next few weeks…


  1. Avatar
    George Pal

    It’s no small thing to make lamentations into entertainment – it’s the old lemons=lemonade formula. And you have made this delightfully puckerish.

    I think it lost on no-one that the concept university has outlived its usefulness. Workhouses would, by far, produce a better sort of human.

    And yes, what the hell is it with girls? Has the battle between the sexes been reduced to who can be the most obnoxious?

    • Modesty Fiona Blaise
      Modesty Fiona Blaise

      I agree, George…college is vastly overrated nowadays. You want your kid to have a secure future and job? Trade schools…electricians, plumbers, carpenters, mechanics will all have a job after the interpretive dance and creative basket weaving positions dry up. Thank you for the kind words.

  2. Avatar

    “…Driving like they’re on a mushroom bender with a tequila chaser…”,
    “…Reading the nutritional content of every single thing like it’s the Oracles…”
    Mod, I LOVE it when you’re feisty!
    And that lack of situational awareness in the grocery store>
    Drives me CRAZY!

    • Modesty Fiona Blaise
      Modesty Fiona Blaise

      You’re so kind…”feisty.” In truth it’s more like “supremely pissed” at these clueless amoeba.

  3. Avatar

    You just described the town I work in and am thankful I don’t live here. I do like to dumpster dive at the end of a semester though. These kids don’t know the value of anything and throw brand new stuff away. Yes, I just admitted to dumpster diving. I think that is a very precise description of college town life. Well said. Bravo!

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