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Dangly Bits

I am a man. I know this because I’ve looked.

My genitals and I have known each other for years. Oh! The stories we could tell! Grand, glorious songs that should be sung by choirs!

At first, our relationship was based on practicality; I needed the One-Eyed Wonderworm and his Two Magic Bags to perform certain functions necessary to my life and they needed me to carry them around (apparently, they need to travel…). Then, the meat-and-two-vegetables became aggressive and embarrassing; attacking me at inopportune moments like standing at the board trying to solve problems in math class, singing in church, or having to speak at a family funeral.

God, as is His wont, strove for perfection when he made Adam. I think God thought that Adam’s knees and elbows would be bigger, because he used that skin to get that Last-Chicken-In-The-Shop look of the General and Two Colonels. Artistically, He got it right when he made woman.

Men are purely functional: Eat. Sleep. Reproduce. Eat, Sleep, Reproduce (keep the high-heels-on…). Eliminate anyone who messes with The Schedule…

That’s what we think about. All of the time, 24/7.

Everything we do as men, red-blooded. spittin’ scratchin’ silly, pointless, farty, situationally brave and brilliant, the buildings we build and the sweat of our brow, is dedicated to The Schedule, and the biggest part of The Schedule is not ‘Eat’.

Men will gladly do without food for a few more minutes of sleep or the prospect of the fleeting moments wherein we let Russell The Love Muscle and The Nads out for some “Happy Naked Playtime” and…LO! AND BEHOLD! There is a FEMALE in the ROOM! YAY!

Our crippled, hairy hands and our self respect thank you, Ma’am!

My only suggestion, regarding men’s ‘Dangly Bits’?

I wish mine were retractable…

Show me the SADIST who said that BOY’S bikes have to have the middle bar and the girls bikes don’t! What kind of sick, twisted FREAKSHOW would think, deep in the darkest recesses of their diseased minds, that putting a BAR on a bike that young boys can FALL on accidentally in NUMEROUS ways was a good idea.

In a fight, I can take punches anywhere on my body and not give up, but not if you catch “The Boys”, I’m toast…

It is said that, barring extraordinary circumstance, childbirth is the most painful experience a human can go through. Of course, I had no say as to the delegation of duties as they relate to propagation of the species. I’m just trying to do my job, Honey…

All that said, I would like to nominate getting nicked in the knackers as the second most painful human experience.

That, and a tax audit.

And, at closing time, when you see that woman who looks like a princess, but will look like an orc in the morning, how handy would it be if a man could not only retract his dangly bits, but also have something that causes the male to be like a Ken doll until he sobers up!

Nothing there but a logo…

Bloomberg Tosses Yarmulke Into Ring

“News” nabob Mike Bloomberg Tosses Yarmulke Into Ring

Press Conference – Bloomberg announcement.

Old white guy Mike ‘Big Gulp’ Bloomberg sees old white guy Bernie’s 2.5 million and and buys the pot with a 50 billion raise. Asked by a CNN encoder if he thought he had a chance in Hell of catching the Party’s front runners, Big Mike stated, “If 50 billion dollars can’t buy the Democratic Party’s Presidential nomination and a Presidency, then clearly President Trump has damaged the country far worse than anyone had imagined.”

MSNBC encoder:

“Is it not the case the radically disparate minorities base of the Democratic Party will have to be consoled some way if they have to hold their collective noses while voting for another ‘stinky old white guy’’? 

‘Big Gulp’: I’ve brought DNC SpokesEntity Shanaynaye Habibi Doowopdooh… Shanaynaye… please…

DNC SpokesEntity Doowopodooh: De Democratic Party’s newest sacroficial ham would likely have to re-identify hisself as a SPOC – Successful Person Of Color – that shoulda not pose a problem. The Party know ‘bouts Cognitive realignments.

CNN encoder:

Mr. Bloomberg, will you be re-identifying?

‘Big Gulp’: I’z ahready hadz – jess now… while youz be talkin’.

ABC encoder: Mr. Bloomberg, will you apologize for wearing that pin, that symbol of hate, and white privilege on your lapel?

‘Big Gulp’: I vill be praying every evening the Viddui, until I am forgiven and elected.

CBS encoder:

What do you hope to accomplish as President… if it comes to that?

‘Big Gulp’:  I own fourteen personal properties across the world, I’d like to make the United States the fifteenth. It’s gonna be a bargain with Trump out of the way and the Democrats in charge again.

End Press Conference.

Hiya, Halliburton! Welcome to WTF?

Indulge me, please…every so often, The Boss (Sparky) and I take a peek at the statistics for WTF? to see where our readership is from. I’ve written about this before…the other day we were surprised; nay, DELIGHTED, to see that someone from Halliburton logged on!

That’s akin to Donald Trump popping on! Okay, maybe that’s an overstatement, but we were quite excited. But then I started thinking – what would ever prompt someone from there to check in on us? Then it came to me: my “Evolution of Toys” story mentioned a tank and Chinese sanctions. My mind went into overdrive. What if Halliburton has a program that searches for select words and then visits the site to see what the content is?

So…I’m going to test this theory. Here goes: oil, drilling, pipelines, chemical plants, Dubai, tank, machine gun, Howitzer, sniper, Warthog, black ops, B52, Stealth bomber, Space Force, NASA, communication systems, satellites, and Zippo the Wonder Dog. (just kidding about Zippo…he works for Phoenix Technologies)

We’ll let you know if they show up in our stats…maybe they just need a break from the top-secret stuff they work on…or they’re bored. Whatevs.

#Halliburton #OilDrilling #Communications #Dubai #NASA #SpaceForce #Satellites